Here are some tips on having a more relaxed marriage:
- Set realistic expectations. Acknowledge that there are just some things that you will not like about your partner all the time.
- Focus on the positive. Make a list of 10 characteristics you actually adore—or at least tolerate—in your spouse. "When you turn your concentration to what is going well, it motivates you to keep going in that direction."
- Discuss the behavior, not your spouse's personality. This allows your partner to change. And be careful to use the word "I" and not "you." (It is helpful to say: "I get upset when you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor." It's not beneficial to say, "You are a slob," even if it's true.)
- Find the right time and place to discuss an annoying habit. Right after work or as your spouse is drifting off to sleep is not it. You might want to send your partner an email during the day asking to discuss a certain behavior later.
- Be prepared to compromise. Didn't your mother ever teach you that you can be right or you can be happy? Choose happy.
- If all else fails, go to bed mad. When you are tired you become irrational. You'll probably have more perspective in the morning.
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